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When self-care isn't enough: Discovering what real support for healing looks like

  • aimeebishopcounsel
  • Feb 6
  • 3 min read

If you're tired of being told to "take a bubble bath" or "do some deep breathing" when you're struggling with real issues, this is for you.


Don't get me wrong, basic self-care has its place. But when you're dealing with past traumatic experiences, unhealthy relationship patterns, or deep-seated pain, another scented candle isn't going to cut it. What you really need is real support for healing—something deeper, more sustainable, and truly transformative.


The self-care industrial complex


Woman with hair in a bun stands outside looking in to the distance ©Gravity
Woman looks in to distance ©Gravity

Let's be real: the whole "self-care" industry has become a bit ridiculous. It's turned legitimate coping strategies into marketable products, suggesting that if we're still struggling, we're just not buying the right stuff or trying hard enough.


Trauma specialist Dr. Laura Brown points out that this individualistic approach to healing can actually add to our burden.


Now we're not only dealing with our original struggles but also feeling like we're failing at taking care of ourselves (Brown, 2018). But real support for healing isn't about doing more—it's about finding the right kind of help.


Why self-care alone isn't real support for healing


When you're dealing with:

  • Relationship trauma

  • Long-standing patterns

  • Complex emotions

  • Deep-seated pain


The solution isn't just about relaxing or treating yourself. Extensive research consistently shows that our brains are wired for connection - we literally need other people to help us regulate and heal (Thompson, 2015). This is why real support for healing often comes from the relationships we build, not just the habits we cultivate.


What real support looks like


Real support isn't one-size-fits-all - it often works like layers, each building on the other. From everyday connections to deeper therapeutic relationships, different types of support serve different needs in our healing journey. Here's what that can look like:


Surface level support

  • Friends who listen

  • Family who care

  • Colleagues who understand

  • Activities that bring joy


Middle-level support

  • Support groups

  • Trusted confidants

  • Mentors

  • Community connections


Deep level support

  • Professional help

  • Trauma-informed therapy

  • Consistent, reliable care

  • A safe space for processing


Each of these layers plays a role in real support for healing, but deep-level support is often what brings lasting change.


The barriers nobody talks about


It's not always easy to seek support. You might be worried about being a burden, scared of being vulnerable, unsure who to trust or afraid of being judged.


These fears are incredibly common. Being willing to acknowledge the need for support takes a lot of courage.


Often, we resist deeper support because:

  1. We've learned to handle everything alone

  2. Previous attempts at getting help didn't work

  3. We're afraid of what might come up

  4. We don't think we deserve it


This resistance can come from early experiences where it wasn't safe to depend on others. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn to accept real support for healing now.


How to build real support for healing


Step 1: Acknowledge where you are

  • Notice what's working and what isn't

  • Be honest about what you need

  • Recognise when you're overwhelmed


Step 2: Start small

  • Test the waters

  • Build trust gradually

  • Notice what feels safe


Step 3: Expand gradually

  • Add layers of support

  • Notice what helps

  • Adjust as needed


Step 4: Consider professional support if:

  • You're repeating patterns you want to change

  • Self-help isn't enough anymore

  • You feel ready for a deeper understanding


Healing happens in relationships: Why real support matters


As Dr. Janina Fisher's research shows, healing happens in relationships - whether that's with a therapist, trusted friends, or a combination of supports (Fisher, 2017). We're not meant to do this alone, and we don't have to.


Real support looks different for everyone. What matters is that it feels safe, meets your actual needs, allows for complexity and provides consistency.


You don't have to do this alone


If you’re ready to explore real support for healing, I offer trauma-informed therapy in Surrey and online. Contact me for a free discovery call to see if we might be a good fit for working together.





 

References


Brown, L. S. (2018). Feminist Therapy. American Psychological Association.


Fisher, J. (2017). Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors. Routledge.


Thompson, C. (2015). The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves. InterVarsity Press.


Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Books.

 
 
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