If you've ever found yourself saying "How did I end up here again?" or "I can't believe I'm in another relationship like this," know that you're not alone. And more importantly - you're not stupid, naive, or "asking for it." There's actually a lot of science behind why we repeat relationship patterns, even when a part of us is screaming at ourselves to do something different.
The lightbulb moment
You know that moment when you realise you're in the same situation with a different person? Maybe you're dealing with another partner who:
Doesn't commit but won't let you go
Starts out caring but becomes controlling
Seems amazing at first but slowly erodes your confidence
Is emotionally unavailable but keeps you hoping
That realisation can feel devastating. But here's something important: recognising the pattern is the first step toward changing it.
Why this keeps happening (it's not what you think)
You know how they say that 90% of an iceberg is underwater? Our relationship choices work similarly. What we consciously think we want is just the tip - there's a whole lot more going on beneath the surface.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading trauma researcher, explains that our bodies and brains are wired to seek what's familiar, even when familiar doesn't mean safe or healthy (van der Kolk, 2014). This isn't because we're broken - it's because our early experiences created a template for what relationships "should" feel like.
Research in attachment theory shows that our early relationships create a blueprint for:
What love looks like
How safe it is to trust others
What we need to do to keep people close
Whether we deserve care and respect
(Bowlby, 1988)
The protection paradox
The thing is, those patterns you're repeating probably kept you safe once.
Dr. Pat DeYoung's research on relational trauma explains that our relationship patterns often start as survival strategies (DeYoung, 2015). For example:
If you find yourself drawn to unavailable people, maybe staying distant once protected you from getting hurt
If you're attracted to controlling partners, maybe following others' rules once kept you safe
If you keep choosing partners who need "fixing," maybe taking care of others was once your way of maintaining connection
Breaking free: Why awareness isn't always enough
Understanding why you do something doesn't automatically change it. That's because these patterns aren't just thoughts - they're held in your body, your nervous system, and your unconscious expectations of relationships.
This is why advice like "just choose better next time" or "you need to love yourself first" falls flat. Real change requires:
Understanding your patterns (which you're doing right now, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this)
Processing the experiences that created them
Building new experiences of relationships
Having support while you do this work
Change is possible. But it's not about "fixing" yourself - you're not broken. It's about:
Understanding your patterns with compassion for yourself
Recognising that these patterns once served a purpose
Creating new experiences that show your nervous system different possibilities is possible
If you're reading this and feeling ready for change, that's a huge first step. The next step might be finding someone who can support you through this process - someone who understands trauma, patterns, and the complexity of change.
If you would like support in understanding and changing your relationship patterns, I offer trauma-informed therapy in Surrey and online. Contact me for a free discovery call to see if we might be a good fit.
References
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
DeYoung, P. A. (2015). Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame: A Relational / Neurobiological Approach. Routledge.
van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.